i step out of the shower and stare into the mirror
at my nakedness. turning to the side, i see the
curve of my belly and the shadow it casts
confirming it's convex shape. i continue to
critique myself wishing i didn't have such
intense tan lines and that horrible scar. "am i
really going to take nude photos?", i ask aloud.
"Yes you are." she says, seemingly from a
distance. "i just wish i had the confidence to do
this so many years ago when i first
shot with Ricardo. i'm just not happy with myself
at the moment." "When will you be happy?" she
inquires. "i don't know, when i have a flat
stomach, no cellulite or stretch marks on my
legs and butt." "And when will that be?"
she asks simply.
i continue to stare and, the longer i stare, the
more critical i become. i tune her out. i become
hesitant. i want to change my mind. i don't have
the confidence. i don't have the courage. in a
few hours i am to be completely naked. she
keeps nattering at me from the background,
mumbling about me being too critical, beauty
being in the eye of the beholder and other such
cliches. what the hell does she know? i have to
be comfortable. i take a deep breath as i realize,
it's too late. Ricardo's on his way. why did i
ever agree to doing this? going back.......

i first meet Ricardo Scipio. it's 1992. i'm 19 years
old. i'm ridiculously skinny, but, for some odd
reason, society has gotten me to believe that i'm
sexy. teetering between self confidence and
insecurity, i wrestle with the self acceptance of
adulthood and the insecurity of my teens. i shoot
with him and he makes me feel comfortable with
myself. maybe i exude a confidence that i know i
don't possess because he asks me if i'd like to do
a nude photo shoot. considering it, i
simultaneously think, "he's crazy" and "that
would be cool". the less secure side wins out and i
decline. he's gone. many years later......

-a friend of mine wants to do a photo shoot andasks me
if i know any photographers. i try to think of who impacted
me most during my brief attack
at the bizarre industry of "modeling". i consider
numerous photographers and then one that leaps
to mind, Ricardo Scipio. i search the net, find his
web site and, miraculously resume
communication. in our email conversations,
i mention that i'd now like to do a nude shoot. (in
retrospect, i probably only mentioned it because i
knew he was living a safe distance away, in Yew
York.) i know that i'd love to do one, but i also
wonder if i have the confidence. he says that he'd
do it if i'm ever in New York or he's in Toronto. i
wasn't in New York. i was safe, for the moment.
skipping ahead to the present......
Ricardo emails me and tells me that he'll be in
Toronto for a few weeks. PANIC! the internal battle
begins. i consult numerous friends, all of whom
encourage me. i fight with myself, knowing that i
want to do it and the chance may not come up
again for another 10 years. i am consumed with
excitement and anxiety. i consider all the ways in
which to lose some weight and tone up in a week. i
realize that i'll have to make due with what God
gave me. it's now or never. time to get over myself.
with some encouragement from a good friend who
had decided to do the shoot as well, i call up
Ricardo. i tell him, "i'm gonna do it". we arrange the
date and time. i give him directions. that incredible
day......

i take one final look in the mirror. i see all the flaws i
think i have. i hear her in the back of my mind saying
that i should be happy the way i am. she tells me that
i should be content in my own beauty. she continues
whispering words encouragement. i stop
obsessing. i hear her for the first time and realize
that she's right. i take a quick walk with my dog. upon
my return, he's on the doorstep, photography
equipment in hand. i open the door, he says..... "Ok,
get naked."
- by Anonymous